Questions & Answers

Q
My friend and I got into a fight and now she isn’t talking to me. What should I do?

A
As girls we greatly value the bonding and understanding that connects us as sisters. We know we need each other and have been there for each other in the best and worst of times. So why is it that the two very best of friends can turn on each other in the most hurtful ways during conflict? There are many possible reasons, but what I want to focus on are some things to do when there is conflict with a friend (or any relationship for that matter).

Pinpoint what you are feeing and why. If you have a friend who did something that hurt you or made you angry, ask yourself why it is making you feel/react this way. This in no way means you are wrong in your feelings; it is only enabling you to identify the wound so you can address it more clearly and accurately. When you dig deep to find out why these feelings are intense enough to threaten a friendship, you may find that the issue isn’t just about what is going on right now, but may stem from deeper wounds from your past or other important relationships that you need to address and take before God.

Pray about it. You have to take it to God. If you don’t go to God first, you will be responding out of your own emotions and thoughts rather than God’s leading and that will only make things worse.

Listen and trust. We tend to take things to God, but then after we pray, we go and do what we think is best and then justify it by saying, “But I prayed about it.” Many times we take things to God but fail to listen to or wait (the dreaded word) for His leading. God knows your heart and intentions as well as your friend’s. If you jump ahead and try to take care of it on your own, you run the risk of causing more damage. Trust God and wait for Him to work in your heart as well as the other person’s.

Initiate reconciliation. Call your friend and ask if she can set up some time to talk. Sometimes our pride steps in and we don’t initiate reconciliation because we think it is the other person’s fault for the argument and therefore he/she should be the one coming to us. This is the wrong attitude to have. If you care about the relationship, you will not let blame, stubbornness or pride get in the way of taking this step. It does not matter if the other person initiates or not, the question is, are you willing to initiate in order to start the reconciliation process?

Keep in mind this is a partnership. You and your friend both need to come together to get to the bottom of the situation. This means you both need to be open, respect each other equally, and listen to each other. Share your feelings and ask your friend if she thinks they’re justified. Start with the facts and do not jump ahead into assumptions or accusations. If your friend says that your thoughts or feelings are not justified, ask her to explain why—and really listen. Make an attempt to understand her point of view and avoid the urge to make her accept your view on the issue.

Move forward with a plan, especially if this is a reoccurring issue. Discuss a plan that will take into account both of your needs. Sometimes it takes a break, time, to heal wounds. If this is an option you are considering, be sure it is a planned break. When you make this plan together, it will do less damage than if one friend just disappears.

Healthy friendships can be saved, and they are worth saving. Those friendships that are salvaged end up growing stronger over time and become treasures you rely on within various seasons of your life. Friendships that are not healthy need to be evaluated and end if they do not improve. Just remember to keep lines of communication open and let God direct you through the conflicts. Most friendships can be salvaged, even when they seem to be entering their final chapters.


	Questions & Answers Q My friend and I got into a fight and now she isn’t talking to me. What should I do? A As girls we greatly value the bonding and understanding that connects us as sisters. We know we need each other and have been there for each other in the best and worst of times. So why is it that the two very best of friends can turn on each other in the most hurtful ways during conflict? There are many possible reasons, but what I want to focus on are some things to do when there is conflict with a friend (or any relationship for that matter). Pinpoint what you are feeing and why. If you have a friend who did something that hurt you or made you angry, ask yourself why it is making you feel/react this way. This in no way means you are wrong in your feelings; it is only enabling you to identify the wound so you can address it more clearly and accurately. When you dig deep to find out why these feelings are intense enough to threaten a friendship, you may find that the issue isn’t just about what is going on right now, but may stem from deeper wounds from your past or other important relationships that you need to address and take before God. Pray about it. You have to take it to God. If you don’t go to God first, you will be responding out of your own emotions and thoughts rather than God’s leading and that will only make things worse. Listen and trust. We tend to take things to God, but then after we pray, we go and do what we think is best and then justify it by saying, “But I prayed about it.” Many times we take things to God but fail to listen to or wait (the dreaded word) for His leading. God knows your heart and intentions as well as your friend’s. If you jump ahead and try to take care of it on your own, you run the risk of causing more damage. Trust God and wait for Him to work in your heart as well as the other person’s. Initiate reconciliation. Call your friend and ask if she can set up some time to talk. Sometimes our pride steps in and we don’t initiate reconciliation because we think it is the other person’s fault for the argument and therefore he/she should be the one coming to us. This is the wrong attitude to have. If you care about the relationship, you will not let blame, stubbornness or pride get in the way of taking this step. It does not matter if the other person initiates or not, the question is, are you willing to initiate in order to start the reconciliation process? Keep in mind this is a partnership. You and your friend both need to come together to get to the bottom of the situation. This means you both need to be open, respect each other equally, and listen to each other. Share your feelings and ask your friend if she thinks they’re justified. Start with the facts and do not jump ahead into assumptions or accusations. If your friend says that your thoughts or feelings are not justified, ask her to explain why—and really listen. Make an attempt to understand her point of view and avoid the urge to make her accept your view on the issue. Move forward with a plan, especially if this is a reoccurring issue. Discuss a plan that will take into account both of your needs. Sometimes it takes a break, time, to heal wounds. If this is an option you are considering, be sure it is a planned break. When you make this plan together, it will do less damage than if one friend just disappears. Healthy friendships can be saved, and they are worth saving. Those friendships that are salvaged end up growing stronger over time and become treasures you rely on within various seasons of your life. Friendships that are not healthy need to be evaluated and end if they do not improve. Just remember to keep lines of communication open and let God direct you through the conflicts. Most friendships can be salvaged, even when they seem to be entering their final chapters.

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